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Lucernae Esto Fumandae

Top Myths about Smoking Lamps

Like many aspects in modern society, there is a lot of misinformation about Smoking Lamps in the media and on the internet. This article covers the Top Five Myths about Smoking Lamps. Who invented Smoking Lamps? Do Smoking Lamps block 5G waves? Are they better than a bong? Read more to find out!

1. Smoking Lamps were invented by ancient Phoenicians to Worship their Gods

– False, Smoking Lamps were invented by our founder Josiah Lamp in 1881 in New York City. The Phoenicians (and later the Carthaginians) in fact, sacrificed living babies to appease their deities, not Smoking Lamps.

The Ancient Diety Moloch
The Ancient Diety Moloch

2. Smoking Lamps Caused the War of 1812

– False, The War of 1812 was caused by British Impressment of American sailors and the seizure of neutral ships and their cargo on the high seas.

Fuck the British
Fuck the British

3. Queen Elizabeth 2 is a Daily Lamplighter

– Partially true; while the Queen was gifted an exquisite Smoking Lamp by the USLC, she prefers to smoke from the skulls of indigenous people who have been conquered and colonized by the British Empire.

Hungry Queen Liz
Hungry Queen Liz

4. Smoking Lamps Block 5G Waves

– Partially true; the large clouds produced by Smoking Lamps can cause higher than 100ms latency if your network provider is not using a hybrid cloud orchestration solution.

5G Waves

5. Smoking Lamps are Not as Good as a Traditional "Bong"

– Absolutely false; Smoking Lamps are cleaner, smoother, and stronger than a traditional “bong” and only a fraction of the cost. Learn more here.

One comment

  1. […] ice is not recommended because it tends to anger Moloch, God of the Damned. A safer solution is to put your bong in the refrigerator for a few minutes […]

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